Michael Weiss

The Caliph speaks

Image courtesy of AFP

This week, following his successful establishment of the first Islamic caliphate since the collapse of the Ottoman Empire, jihadist leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi gave his Ramadan sermon. It has been widely disseminated and read all over the world. NOW has translated this landmark address into English.


Truly all praise belongs to Allah. We praise Him, and seek His help and His forgiveness and we offer gratitude to Him for renewing “Community” for another season — the kafir Joel McHale’s talents are wasted on “Talk Soup,” hamdillah.


We congratulate the umma, in the East and in the West (One Love), on the advent of the blessed month of Ramadan, and we praise Allah for allowing us to reach this virtuous month with only the bare minimum of summary executions, rapes, and crucifixions. As we say in al-Raqqah: What runs faster than a Syrian soldier? An Iraqi one.


I testify that Allah’s Will has finally been realized through me, your new Caliph, a pudgy ex-con with a receding hairline. You can call me Abu Bakr al-Husayni al-Qurashi al-Baghdadi, although I am originally from Samarra. If Ted Cruz can be from Cuba, then I can be a descendant of the Abbasids.


Today, using the Humvees and rockets of the Crusader-Infidels, we have successfully eliminated the Sykes-Picot boundaries and in-gathered all the lands of Dar al-Islam. Our zoning laws are lax. Our t-shirts are made from 100% Egyptian cotton: no synthetics.


Oh mujahideen, your beards are fuller and more lustrous than those of any found-object artist in Williamsburg, Dar al-Harb. You only have one soul, and an appointed time of death that will neither be hastened nor delayed. It is a matter of Paradise and Hellfire missiles, happiness and misery, a little from Column A, a little from Column B.


Glad tidings, too, be unto our fellow Slaves of Allah on Twitter and Facebook, two inventions of the Jews without which this khalifah would have remained just a cheap publicity stunt. I reserve special mention for @shariawarrior492, who has graduated from Leeds with a First in Civil Engineering. Though he be shackled to the chains of his apostate parents’ curfew, this stalwart Lion of Jihad has issued many hashtags against the Safavid conspiracy and also, I am told, withstood the temptations of a Satanic till operator called Gemma at the Sainsbury’s on Finchley Road. #NextYearInAndalus, @shariawarrior492!


This Islamic State would also not have been possible without the generous help of the Nusayri state oil company of Bashar al-Assad, which pays well and on time. May all who work for it burn for eternity in a pit of their own excrement -- but not until they co-sponsor our application to OPEC first. 


By Allah, ours is a great many-colored army of mujahideen, whose warriors have come to us from around the world. We have Russian-speaking ginger Chechens who are good with explosives and electrical cables. We have French-speaking Belgians who are here because they grew up in Bruges. We have disaffected Americans reared on the Jihad of Grand Theft Auto V. We even have one Chilean-Norwegian mujahid here. Verily, what he can do with a sea bass and a little pomegranate oil would make a polytheist believe in the One True God.


O umma of Islam, indeed the world today has been divided into two camps and two trenches, with no third camp present — except maybe for al-Qaeda, which is now five guys in a cave in Waziristan watching old CNN clips about a missing plane. (May the Viagra pills of Zawahiri expire prematurely!) The first camp of Islam and faith, and the second camp of kufr and hypocrisy. The first camp is where you want to be right now. Obviously. 


We have built this Islamic State for you. This land is your land. This land is my land. O Brother, do you know what that’s worth? O Brother, Heaven is a place on earth.


But we need your help. We make a special call to the scholars, fuqahā’, and callers, especially the judges, doctors, mechanics and accredited life coaches. Also, anyone who knows how to sync up an iPod on a second computer with a different iTunes playlist — we need you most of all.


So come together and do not argue. Fear Allah in private and public, openly and secretly. Be wary of pride, haughtiness, and arrogance. Stay away from sins. Stay away from the Paris Metro on August 23rd.


Your blood is best spilt upon the Land of the Two Rivers. My blood can wait. But this is my advice to you. Persevere, endure, and remain stationed.


Remember that without either cigarettes or pornography we still intend to conquer Rome.


Michael Weiss is a columnist at Foreign Policy and a fellow at the Institute of Modern Russia. He tweets at @michaeldweiss


Editor’s Note: Please note that this is a satirical piece.

Image courtesy of AFP

This land is your land. This land is my land. O Brother, do you know what that’s worth? O Brother, Heaven is a place on earth."

  • naushad

    He has wit and a great sense of humur ,better than any cleric on the Friday Sermon. He also seems to be better read than most Ayat ullahs . Interesting evil man can be like the Devil himself who challenged God to STOP ME IF YOU CAN.

    July 4, 2014

  • politicaljunkie

    LOL. Practicing muslim here. I found this hilarious! :)

    July 3, 2014