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Anthony Elghossain

‘Beirut blitz’ halted by traffic

ISIS tank stuck in traffic near the Port of Beirut (Photoshopped by NOW)

After coalescing in the eastern lands of war-torn Syria and launching lightening attacks across Iraq, the Idiot Sycophants of Islamist Saboteurs (ISIS)—a self-described “anti-bikini, pro-beheadings paramilitary successor to al-Qaeda in Iraq”—has postponed its invasion of Beirut, Lebanon. Ibn al-Fashal, an ISIS security czar, told NOW’s Chief Caliphate Correspondent that “ISIS remains committed to controlling the swaths of land between Beirut and Baghdad, but that [the organization’s] leaders are pragmatic about Lebanese particularities that could impede a rapid takeover.”

 

“To begin with, Hezbollah and the Lebanese Armed Forces have been guarding the Lebanon-Syria border and key thoroughfares rather carefully in recent months. In a broader sense, moreover, Lebanon’s cacophony of communities would make it difficult for us to win hearts and minds across the board—even if we succeeded in swaying a few Sunnis. And, most of all, there’s your fucking traffic.”

 

“Excuse my fusha, but it’s impossible to get anything done in Lebanon! Traffic, traffic, traffic.”

 

“ISIS has repeatedly attempted to blitz Beirut in recent months,” al-Fashal explained, somewhat apologetically, during a phone call on his way to our scheduled interview in downtown Beirut. “However, our entry from the east proved difficult: our commanders deemed Dahr al-Baydar too dangerous, as it is littered with reckless van drivers and scooter heroes… Bottom line: we’ll fucking detonate ourselves for a good cause, but none of us wants to be taken out by the Hawa Chicken deliveryman. After initial progress down the Dhour-Choueir road, we ran into an inconsiderate convoy of camionet (trucks)—probably delivering arms to Hezbollah, by the way. Assholes.”

 

“Our descent from the north was repeatedly obstructed by forces beyond our control! First, we took the wrong exit off the highway and ended up in fucking Zouk Mikayel, where some garden-variety Christian thugs stared us down—one enemy at a time, you know? Then, the Antelias Bridge collapsed, probably under the weight of Caliph Baghdaddy’s bling.  From there, we got stuck in outrageous traffic caused by the imbecilic traffic flow arrangements near Geant Mall.  W baaden, ta kafillak khayeh (So afterward, to continue the story, bro), we tried to take the seaside road, but some dumbass cops had blocked it off and unilaterally decided to reverse traffic flow for the afternoon.

 

“We tried to take the road up from the south, too, but some folks were—wlik rooh ya hmar (get out of here, you idiot)! Sorry, habibeh Tannous, but some asshole just decided to back up two miles because he’s missed his exit—Anyway, like I was saying, we tried to invade from the south but some folks were having yet another impromptu Bring Your Own Tire barbeque. And the Ouzai road? Let’s just say we’re not that dumb or desperate. Hezbollah’s B-Team would have us working on some chain-gang tunnel construction project in about twelve minutes.”

 

Akel Kaffen, a moderate Beirut Sunni compelled to quietly support ISIS because of communal string of defeats in Lebanon’s internal pissing contests, took the phone. “This is al-Fashal’s fixer... Keefak?”

 

Yalla, wasleen!” he said frantically, as drivers honked their horns and spun their tires all around him. “15… 20 minutes, max. We’re near the ‘Port.’ Wallah.”

 

Anthony Elghossain was about to launch a secularist, pro-American Stoogist coup last week—and couldn’t get past the Antelias bridge. Next year, Beirut, next year… Unless you’re a mindless sycophant, tweet him @aelghossain

 

ISIS tank stuck in traffic near the Port of Beirut (Photoshopped by NOW)

ISIS has repeatedly attempted to blitz Beirut in recent months"

  • elias.mitri.77

    we need a transit rail in lebanon, from north to south on the coast !! and this problem will be solved.

    February 12, 2015

  • Patriot60

    Wonderful. A breath of fresh in this crazy place. Need to move the port from Beirut [imagine the added income that Hezbollah can make if the harbor were in Sour, close to the party's Israeli partners], and transform the entire area into a leisure destination for those who love to wear shorts and bikini's at the beach. Come to think of it, when will we inaugurate the Hassan Nasrallah International Airport in Nabatiye with direct flights to Tehran and Tel Aviv? The latter is especially valuable and will greatly facilitate exchanges between all three allies [Israel, Iran and Hizbollah]. Just saying.

    August 20, 2014

  • Karole du Pont

    Yes it sounds more like the Swiss federalism because Canadian federalism requires that minority cultural rights be enforced in all provinces.

    August 18, 2014

  • gladis.audi

    Thanks! made me laugh out loud for a few minutes...

    August 16, 2014

  • StingyWasp

    A blitzing article ……From the SEA???

    August 15, 2014

  • gsemaan

    nice one from the heart

    August 15, 2014

  • Ham

    Too funny, an IS tank stuck in traffic trying to attack Beirut! Good luck with that nutty idea. Ham

    August 15, 2014

  • tricPortugal

    they dont necessit to invade beirute...they gona buy beirute...

    August 14, 2014

  • muhami

    Hey Portugese tric Your English needs work. But you must have taste because you got off Naharnet and you are now reading a real newspaper. Great article, as usual, Tannous bacha. keep it up.

    August 16, 2014